It has been a very long 15 months, in terms of sleep. I think on any given night, I may sleep a total of 2-3 hours. It is no wonder that I drag along the rest of the day in depressive state, yearning for the moment when I can rest my eyes.
Carli was a great sleeper from the start (still is at 3.) She slept through the night at 9 weeks and usually slept from 8-8:30 until at least 5:00am. When Katelyn came along, I was expecting the same. First rule in parenting is, “No child is ever the same.” so I should have known better. 9 weeks came and went for Katelyn and she was still up frequently during the night.
I think many people fail to realize how important sleep is for mothers. It can really take a physical and psychological toll on our bodies. I felt the pressure to accept that my breastfeeding daughter needed to nurse all night to be content, but inside I was resentful. I just wanted a few hours of sleep at a time. Or hell, some consistency. I got neither.
I couldn’t cosleep with my daughter, although I sure tried. When she was done nursing, she would fuss and fuss to be in her own “space”. I guess Kate is very much like me in that sense — needing a sense of space while sleeping. So even if she had taken half an hour to nurse, she would fuss and I would have to get up. It wasn’t that easy, though – just putting her back down. For 9 months she had to be swaddled.. and I mean had to. Any time she would move, she’d jolt awake and cry to be nursed. Swaddling her gave her more sleep, as little sleep as she actually got in one sitting.
After getting her settled, it would take me 15 minutes, sometimes 20 or 30 to get back to sleep. Sure enough, 45 minutes to an hour later, she was up again. This, my friends — is what I have put up with for 15 months. Doesn’t it make you tired (or a bit nutty) just thinking about it? If it doesn’t.. then you’re not normal.
The lack of sleep has affected me in so many ways that I can not even begin to describe in one entry. But to name a few:
- It contributed dramatically to postpartum depression (which made it difficult to bond to Katelyn for many months). This, in turn, made me feel inadequate as a Mother. What Mother (GOOD Mother) takes months to bond to her own flesh and blood?
- Caused me to be impatient with my 2 year old.
- My husband started taking on more work as he got home as I refused to budge from the couch (as exhaustion had taken over.)
- Took away my enthusiasm for general living. Not much made me happy — at all.. except the idea that SOMEDAY I may get to sleep again.
With the support of family and friends, I finally sought some help for my postpartum depression (something that I wish to discuss at greater lengths another time) and in doing so — I was able to deal better with the lack of sleep. I was able to bond with my infant daughter, and my patience for my 2 year old increased (although now she is 3 and boy, oh, boy — is she something!”)
Still, though — I wanted sleep. I craved it, and although I no longer was upset with Katelyn, I knew in my heart she wanted sleep too. On the few occasions when she would sleep for 5+ hours in a row, the following day she was incredibly happy and amiable and loving. Seeing how being well-rested affected us both in such positive ways, I vowed I would figure out a way to help her learn how to sleep well.
I decided that it was my parental duty to teach my child this skill of sleeping; the first of many skills I hope to teach her (and that I will be responsible for teaching her) as she grows. While Carli was able to learn to comfort herself and sleep longer periods right away, it was something that Katelyn lacked. It was a skill, in her case, that needed to be learned.
But what way could I teach my child how to sleep and still maintain my sanity (and hers?!)
I felt like I couldn’t discuss the sleep issues with my breastfeeding Mama friends as they seemed content in their lack of sleep and God forbid I express any interest in the cry it out method. (Note: If you want genuine research on the Cry It Out method, read this blog entry: When Proof is Not Proof.)
I struggled with this. The crunchy Mamas I knew frowned upon it in a huge way. After all, Dr. Sears (who I DO really enjoy and have read a majority of his books) claims that CIO is nothing short of abuse (to paraphrase.) Mamas have taken his word as gospel without having actually read the studies that he has mentioned when trying to prove his point. The resources he uses are of actually abused AND neglected children — not even children who are well loved, fed, cared for and of parents gently guiding them to sleep. Yes if you abandon your child to cry for hours without so much as your appearance, it is neglectful. AND these children that are in the studies are children that are left to cry all day, every day, for months; the kind of sad stories you read about on BadBreeders.net.
BUT — not all sleep training is.
In fact it was one article I read on Dr. Sears on night weaning that gave me the idea and I combined it with time tested methods from friends who I trust. Combined, Katelyn slept from 9:30-4am the first night, and 9:30am-6:00am the second. This is amazing, you see. So how did I do it?
I realize that Katelyn has become completely dependent on nursing. Every time she wakes up (and I believe the average sleep cycle of children her age are less than 2 hours), she wasn’t able to get herself back to sleep so she HAD to nurse. Dr. Sears recommended nursing really well before putting them to bed and then when they cried to nurse in the middle of the night, to comfort them in other ways that did not include nursing.
What is kind of funny is that Dr. Sears said they will cry and cry and that is okay because they will know its there. So the very person who so outwardly is against crying it out of any kind — also says its okay? Yeah, I am confused by it as well. Either way, I told myself that when she woke up in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t get up to nurse her. I would let her know that I was there and make her comfortable — but I would not nurse her.
The first night I woke up at 3am with Katelyn in bed with me. I could not, for the life of me, remember getting her. Then hubby was on call and I couldn’t very well deal with a crying baby who may cry for an unsaid amount of time when he would be most likely getting little sleep. So for another week, I got up and nursed her and did the same ‘ol routine of not having a routine.
Then we moved — and I felt guilty that we were in a new place and I kept telling myself that she must be scared and worried and that I shouldn’t move AND take away night time feedings as WELL. Gah — there was always some excuse and meanwhile, I would wake up every day a complete zombie. Of course, I would take it all out on my husband (who does NOT deserve it.) That’s it — I had to do it. No more night time feedings and if she cried, well — she cried.
The first night — well, to be honest, it is hell on Earth. No one wants to hear their child cry, especially if they know exactly what will solve the problem. Forrest and I would look at each other in bed, and he would try to talk to me and I would shush him, unable to think of anything but Katelyn. I would go to her, pick her up, kiss her, sing to her, and she would scream and pull at my shirt. I would put her back down, and she would get back up and she would cry for a few minutes and I would go back to her and settle her back down, put on her leap frog soother (which is awesome, by the way) on 20 minutes of nature sounds.
I think this went on for maybe half an hour, 45 minutes the first night. I think she got up briefly around 3 but when I went to comfort her, she settled right down. I could sense that it was beginning to work. She knew I was there, yet she also was gaining a sense of comfort in herself. She wasn’t learning to not need me but she was learning that she had the skills, as well, to comfort herself. There is a difference.
During the day she is so mellow and happy and smiley. I know, in my heart, that I did not do the wrong thing for my child. She needed this; to learn how to fall asleep and go back to sleep. She now is going down easily rather than it being a 45 minute ordeal each night. Now she is just laying down, puts her head to the side as I give her a lot of kisses and hair rubs. I turn on her soother, cover her with a blanket and I don’t hear a peep.
I am enjoying the sleep. I can feel myself going into a deeper sleep. It is taking some getting used to as I’ll wake up around 4-4:30 and be unable to get back to sleep. My body is just not used to so much sleep anymore!
So for those who are struggling with the sleep situation — do what is best for you and your family. If you feel in your heart that you cannot stand to listen to have them a rough night or two of controlled crying, then don’t do it. If you feel that it is what your child needs (like mine), then do it — but do always let your child know you are there, at least in presence if not touch or sound.
All children are different and all families are different — and “crying it out” or “sleep training” is not right for everyone but in our case — it was just what she needed to get some rest, as well as for me to get some rest and we couldn’t be happier.
So — if you have something negative to say about how horrible of a mother I must be (without knowing me or having met me) then by all means, keep it to yourself. Anyone that has met my children in real life knows how loved and HAPPY they are and my not nursing Katie through the night certainly is not going to change that.







































































